Today I think I put myself into a really vulnerable place where I was forced to think about how I am and how stubborn I am. I have these insane expectations, I don't know where they begin or why they are there, but they are part of this lense I seem to hold up to everything. I wish I knew how to just let go of it and see things clearly and not see things as I think they are.
I drove back home this morning singing my heart out to Tegan and Sara, feeling defiant and trying not to let myself feel crappy about this. What the fuck, people are never what you expect them to be and I knowwwww it, I just don't believe it most of the time I guess. There are some very nice things about you I think. I guess that there are other things too.
All of my interactions with people today seemed different. I walked around a while with a young German man who had broken his leg in two places and was carrying himself around on crutches so gracefully. I carried his shoes to his rental car. He was going to pack up and drive himself away- soon to go back to Germany, his travels ending sooner than he had planned! He was so NICE. I don't know why.
I listened to a mixed cd from like 6 years ago while I was driving home, and I loved every song so much. I want to make mixed cds for everyone I know, want to amalgamate some feelings into a span of 52 minutes or whatever. I want to have a sing song. I need to have more people close to me, who I can sing with out loud some really good songs. I want a bonfire so badly. I am ready for winter to give me a break or else fade away starting now............
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