long steep, deep sleep

Clarksburg turned one hundred and fifty today. We joined in on the celebration with five cent strawberry ice cream cones, a pile of locally grown vegetables, 'heavenly raspberry' jam, a big pot of wild mint, free meat samples, Dahlia dancing on a chair, live band on a wagon playing all of the Wilno classics, and that heavy strong sunlight that cuts through any coolness in the air or shade. Beautiful day.

Earlier, the car ride down to Wonderland with my close kin. Cutting the hangovers with cold Maclays that are getting warmer by the minute. Blasting the Fugees, Janis Joplin, salsa music. Dancing in our seats and woo-who-ing every so often to let out the building excitement. The greenest scenery, the backroads, all singing 'no woman no cry' together. Getting the truck drivers to honk their horns for us. Trying to make a 'honk if you're horny' sign, but no takers (or maybe the writing was too small or too faint). Riding The Behemoth while tipsy. The flat tire and speedy spare change. Cookie-wich and funnel cake, and sleeping the whole way home. Such good company, such a good day.

Earlier still- cuddling with Callie on the couch, watching the Baby Sesame Street movie. Thinking about her tiny feet and about being able to watch her grow up and be able to be a part of her life. Hunter and his smile when he first realizes he's awake and it's a new day again. Wanting to remember moments years from now when moments will be different.

Now, steeping mint tea. Going to sing out loud, write some things down, and go to sleep deeply.

hey that's a morning moon

Dreamt about an older version of Callie, but Hunter was the same age.

Listened to the rain for ages, sounded like taps on full blast coming through my window.

Cleared some floor space in my new room and woke up feeling like it was a different space altogether.

Flowered tablecloth treasure from Meow for $20 (a splurge) now hanging in the window and I'll love to look at it every morning.

Now the rain is falling silently. Still coming down fast, but in such slim drops-to-streams that it seems to meet the ground gracefully. Barely visible actually, unless seen in front of the giant old pine tree's shadows.

Thinking about a lot of things, but also nothing really in particular. It's so quiet, that's nice.

so dandy and fine, so young and so cruel

Sarah Harmer last night at the old Meaford Opera House. Lovely view from the balcony, acoustics were perfect. Hearing almost all of the songs from the new album, and loving them, and being excited to hear them again. Thinking about her songs, the way she sings about simple things, and complicated things. The feeling of certain weather, of a way it is with a person, how she creates an atmosphere that feels really tangible whether its a place or a feeling. Such a beautiful rainy evening. And Lindi Ortega with her Dolly Parton-esque voice, so powerful and folky and sweet. Listening to music like that makes me crave playing music, to sing my heart out and hit high notes. I want to sit close to someone and harmonize. Where are all of the sing-songs going on? In my car alone is good but it's never enough.

Today, in a little while, I am going to see my new friend Mary Ellen for some energy therapy. See about my chakras. Maybe get some things aligned, figure out where the sore spots are and get things flowing again.

I have decided to move out of the little space in my head that I've been inhabiting and get my skin and my brain exposed to the outside world again. I need to feel some cold gusts, some hard rain or just dew, hot sun, shade, hot sand, water on my feet, cold water plunges in my undies, some night air, morning air, air in my lungs whooshing through my window, on my bike, stretch my muscles, sweat out everything, build up some things, get rid of some shit, make some shit.

I have been perpetually writing to-do lists- write some letters, bake some bread, stretch, find a good pencil and pen, figure everything out, write it down, write down my dreams.

The other night I set my alarm clock for 5:15am, enough time to get ready and be at work on time. Then I got myself into that in-between state and I dreamt that I needed to make a load of tuna sandwiches for the Shriner's convention that was happening at work. I re-set my alarm clock to 4:20am thinking that the extra hour would be enough time to make the sandwiches. When the alarm went off at 4:20 I awoke with a start- remembering the sandwiches sort of, having to go through what I know in my head, and decide whether the sandwiches were real or something that my mind made up. The Shriner's were definitely real. I eventually decided that I probably didn't need to make sandwiches and so I went back to sleep. It makes me wonder what else I do when I'm sort of sleeping. When my physical body is still working normally, dexterous enough to fiddle with an alarm clock, who knows what else.

Just finished 'Generation A' and in a strange way it has mirrored certain thoughts I've been having about technology lately. I don't want my future to get absorbed into something I don't understand. I don't have a complete phobia, but I know certain things for sure- I prefer wood to metal or plastic. I want to hear someone's voice straight from the source. I want to see words written down the way a hand holding a pen writes them down. I need to feel energy from organic matter. I don't even know what I'm saying, it's just a feeling.

Morning is going by, coffee is burning little holes in my belly, sun is shining so strongly onto my backyard, Winnie's paws are wet and dirty from digging, time is just time is right now and now and, now I am going to go back outside.

cloud lifting

Early morning pep talk to myself: I've been the biggest grump, walking around with a dark cloud over my head for what feels like forever. I need to give myself some advice, or learn how to take some good advice from outside of me. I can change my attitude. If the only thing I can control is how I am feeling, then I need to choose to feel differently, and lift this shade that seems to be blocking out all of the light that shines on the good things. Good things are everywhere, I am so unbelievably lucky and I know it. I need to start acting like it! Train my brain to start the day with some positive thinking. I think I forget that some things take a bit of focus, that it is useful to really concentrate and to visualize and to be present in my thinking. I can't expect change to happen on its own. I can't expect half of the things that I tend to expect. I am going to start making more of an effort.

missin' kitten

Midgeon moved out a year and a half ago. She seemed to go missing for bits of time at once, and then she'd return to our house smelling of woodsmoke and like someone else's house. Then she stopped coming back altogether. We thought maybe she had run away, but it turns out she just moved out, two doors down. I used to still see her in their yard. Once introduced myself to her new care-takers (who just love her, and call her 'Cuba'), and gave them my half-assed blessing because I knew that I couldn't tell a cat what to do. I missed her then. Hadn't seen her for a year, until on the weekend as I sat outside I saw her creeping my way through some tall flower leaves. I kiss-called her and she looked up at me, cooed in that pidgeon-like way that she does, came over to see me. We sat in the big backyard for an hour-long visit. Told her I still loved her, miss her often, wish her well. Would be lovely to do that with all my long lost friends.