six, two, eight

If I can do anything, what am I going to do?
Something different.

First new yoga class last night. It all came back to me at once. I marveled at the regular use of my lungs- three quarters full on a good day. What a bunch of space in my chest, I want to fill it up with fresh air, learn to make the most of it.

I have been building up some muscles lately, and it felt so incredible to be engaging them one at a time. Really paying attention to the way my body works, what it feels like to live in this body! What a crazy thing, to live in a body that works along with you. I focus, then I forget. I pay attention, then I wander away. I am going to train myself to be more present.

I think about my Taid saying something to me when he was about ninety, sitting in a chair that was difficult to get in and out of. He doesn't feel any older than he ever was. In his mind he can jump up at once, run up a flight of stairs, stroll through the streets, play jazzy piano music with his fingers and hands. But his body is on a different page. He reminds himself of his brittle bones, thrice broken knees, knobbly knuckles. Oh my goodness. Ninety-three years.

I used to always think about what things would be like when I grow up, when a different time came along. Every day is a different time now. I do feel differently. But mostly it's a strange and misaligned sense that things are supposed to be a certain way. I need to come to terms with not actually knowing anything. Maybe that way I can be more open to anything happening, because anything is going to happen anyway.

My tarot reading told me that I'm at the end of a chapter but there is nothing set in stone as to what happens next. End of something. A chance to start something entirely new. Things have never been like that before, at least not really. I am going to learn to open my heart to the universe.

Six seconds in, hold for two, eight out. All through the nose. I am learning one thing at a time.

where did you come from, where did you go?

Sitting in the sun in my Jughead nightie, second mug of coffee. Sun so bright, thinking about how the air smells like caterpillars and it feels early for that. I look down the side of the deck and the tent where they've been sleeping looks sagging and there they are all over the ground, surrounding my parents bicycles.

Scurrying sounds underneath me, Winnie jumps out from the shade under the big chair. A red squirrel carrying a baby red squirrel in her mouth comes running out from under my feet, moving so fast and erratically. Drops the baby, runs in eight different directions simultaneously. Somehow a squirrel (not sure which) ends up running up my back and down my arm! Span of 3 seconds maybe. Gave me chills!

Reminds me of Taid at the cottage, putting peanuts in the crested pocket of his golf club shirt and standing on his lawn. Chipmunks emerge from their homes and run right up his body to fetch the peanuts. Then one time we brought Eddie and Gracie to the cottage. So funny to see big fat cats lounging on the sandy/rocky beach, by the bonfire even. But they killed at least one of those chipmunks and I felt sort of responsible.

Missing the cottage, and Southampton all around, but also feeling such lightness in my chest at the feel of the heat and the smell of the air today. Caterpillar smell.

lovely weekend in reverse

Spent some real time listening to Darkness on the Edge of town, painting, drinking sleepytime tea, and trying to discern whether his voice just sounds slowed down and stretched out or actually is. Listen to it again today to see. Going to learn new songs, going to force fingers to become immune to strings again. Maybe learn how to use a pick to stop blistering thumb, or maybe not. Sing my heart out anyway.

off hand/on purpose

real life/imaginary

true/false, done/undone

morning after tarot, most things are true. well, some things are true.

butterfly chasing bird chasing squirrel

little monkeys.

All these wonderful things are present all the time.

So now, whole pot of coffee and 4 accumulated crossword puzzles. Miles of Aisles or Q? Hmm, Joni. Pretty morning, lucky to be awake, feeling good.

the ties the ties

Every day I am reminded about what a wonderful family I have. My best friends. I don't know about the rest of them, but I never get sick of our family gatherings, even though we seem to be doing it every week these days. But if we can celebrate life together- all occasions- by making delicious food, drinking home-made wine, connecting all these generations together, dancing to salsa music in a crowded living room, all cheeks rosy, all bellies full, all smiles- that is amazing. I am so lucky.

peculiar, and peculiarer

that green

Thinking about that colour of green that is the leaves (still new on the trees) with the high, almost-noon sun shining right through them. That is the colour I would like to fall asleep to. If I could clear out my cluttered head, I would paint the insides of it that colour. I would always feel that uplifting thought, that moment where I have to gasp in air just to catch my breath, induced just by a thought of green and everything that colour means.