six, two, eight

If I can do anything, what am I going to do?
Something different.

First new yoga class last night. It all came back to me at once. I marveled at the regular use of my lungs- three quarters full on a good day. What a bunch of space in my chest, I want to fill it up with fresh air, learn to make the most of it.

I have been building up some muscles lately, and it felt so incredible to be engaging them one at a time. Really paying attention to the way my body works, what it feels like to live in this body! What a crazy thing, to live in a body that works along with you. I focus, then I forget. I pay attention, then I wander away. I am going to train myself to be more present.

I think about my Taid saying something to me when he was about ninety, sitting in a chair that was difficult to get in and out of. He doesn't feel any older than he ever was. In his mind he can jump up at once, run up a flight of stairs, stroll through the streets, play jazzy piano music with his fingers and hands. But his body is on a different page. He reminds himself of his brittle bones, thrice broken knees, knobbly knuckles. Oh my goodness. Ninety-three years.

I used to always think about what things would be like when I grow up, when a different time came along. Every day is a different time now. I do feel differently. But mostly it's a strange and misaligned sense that things are supposed to be a certain way. I need to come to terms with not actually knowing anything. Maybe that way I can be more open to anything happening, because anything is going to happen anyway.

My tarot reading told me that I'm at the end of a chapter but there is nothing set in stone as to what happens next. End of something. A chance to start something entirely new. Things have never been like that before, at least not really. I am going to learn to open my heart to the universe.

Six seconds in, hold for two, eight out. All through the nose. I am learning one thing at a time.