haiku you

maybe in the morning

you and mooz are both
crochety and cantankerous
old man, old girl cat

how it is

this is how it is
if this is how it is, then
I don't know nothin'

a whack of lightyears

distance to the moon
let us sit in this much space
keep our bodies close

earlier today...

seagulls fly in vees
got no sense of direction
just flying that way

all of this has come in through the window

(Driving home in the dark I saw a blowing piece of garbage, moving like a cat's tail across the dark highway. In the split second that it was a cat, my whole body tingled and jolted. It was just a piece of garbage, and so I relaxed and that was it. But it was a reminder of the power of my mind over my body. And my body tricks my mind too, and it goes both ways I guess.)

Thinking things through:

Steps through tall grass and brush, bending trees away, travelling into a different state where the welcomed rain soaks us like submergence. The air turns sideways and sweeps us up into the foggish clouds- thunder claps on our ears, drawing our shoulders together and the air quickly into our lungs.
The river there is warm to our already wet selves, first trudging then finding the spot just deep enough to float on my back (my new summer dress floating all around me), rain drops on my face, and the reverberating thunder all in my underwater ears.
Earlier,
my fortune told in the glowstick tent: I paid you five times my fare and you told me my partial fate- that I can never go back, that things are never going to be the same as I thought they would. I didn't think you knew who I was talking about (and now I don't know who I was talking about), but you said it didn't matter who, it was still the same thing. Then you blessed me with gold glitter- which was still caked to my scalp the next sunny/foggy morning.
And then,
seeing you, briefly like the first time but you hugged me so nicely and tightly, and I was sizing up your friend, imagining all possible futures like I always do, and wishing I'd never brought the other along- but then again feeling good too, sort of boundless and encouraged in proper directions because it's away from the way that one's heading, and maybe it has to take all of that to figure these things out.
Still,
finding stray flecks of gold glitter, days later and in unlikely places. Each fleck reminding me of something else she'd said, or just sparking some memory of that great open space and all the places I just inhabited, briefly and more lasting.
Later,
sitting awake all night with you, letting you guide me through my thought clouds manifested, and cancelling my apologies (for the way I'm thinking, why do I even think that way, that things must be different than I think). You settle me and help me to unravel myself.
Now,
can't figure out my feelings about you exactly, but feeling this budding thing inside me that is being watered and shone on. I think that roots have been growing in there for a long while maybe, never knew what they were up to, still don't know what this thing will turn into, but feeling open minded and hearted. Learning to just be what I am and open up all of the doors and windows so that good things can come inside to visit and/or stay.

And a new "to do": think, write, read, paint, share, sew, clean, drink, talk, remember, stretch, sleep, dream, wake up, think.

goose congregation

...would be the name of my band if I had one. Anyone want to start a band with me?

long steep, deep sleep

Clarksburg turned one hundred and fifty today. We joined in on the celebration with five cent strawberry ice cream cones, a pile of locally grown vegetables, 'heavenly raspberry' jam, a big pot of wild mint, free meat samples, Dahlia dancing on a chair, live band on a wagon playing all of the Wilno classics, and that heavy strong sunlight that cuts through any coolness in the air or shade. Beautiful day.

Earlier, the car ride down to Wonderland with my close kin. Cutting the hangovers with cold Maclays that are getting warmer by the minute. Blasting the Fugees, Janis Joplin, salsa music. Dancing in our seats and woo-who-ing every so often to let out the building excitement. The greenest scenery, the backroads, all singing 'no woman no cry' together. Getting the truck drivers to honk their horns for us. Trying to make a 'honk if you're horny' sign, but no takers (or maybe the writing was too small or too faint). Riding The Behemoth while tipsy. The flat tire and speedy spare change. Cookie-wich and funnel cake, and sleeping the whole way home. Such good company, such a good day.

Earlier still- cuddling with Callie on the couch, watching the Baby Sesame Street movie. Thinking about her tiny feet and about being able to watch her grow up and be able to be a part of her life. Hunter and his smile when he first realizes he's awake and it's a new day again. Wanting to remember moments years from now when moments will be different.

Now, steeping mint tea. Going to sing out loud, write some things down, and go to sleep deeply.

hey that's a morning moon

Dreamt about an older version of Callie, but Hunter was the same age.

Listened to the rain for ages, sounded like taps on full blast coming through my window.

Cleared some floor space in my new room and woke up feeling like it was a different space altogether.

Flowered tablecloth treasure from Meow for $20 (a splurge) now hanging in the window and I'll love to look at it every morning.

Now the rain is falling silently. Still coming down fast, but in such slim drops-to-streams that it seems to meet the ground gracefully. Barely visible actually, unless seen in front of the giant old pine tree's shadows.

Thinking about a lot of things, but also nothing really in particular. It's so quiet, that's nice.

so dandy and fine, so young and so cruel

Sarah Harmer last night at the old Meaford Opera House. Lovely view from the balcony, acoustics were perfect. Hearing almost all of the songs from the new album, and loving them, and being excited to hear them again. Thinking about her songs, the way she sings about simple things, and complicated things. The feeling of certain weather, of a way it is with a person, how she creates an atmosphere that feels really tangible whether its a place or a feeling. Such a beautiful rainy evening. And Lindi Ortega with her Dolly Parton-esque voice, so powerful and folky and sweet. Listening to music like that makes me crave playing music, to sing my heart out and hit high notes. I want to sit close to someone and harmonize. Where are all of the sing-songs going on? In my car alone is good but it's never enough.

Today, in a little while, I am going to see my new friend Mary Ellen for some energy therapy. See about my chakras. Maybe get some things aligned, figure out where the sore spots are and get things flowing again.

I have decided to move out of the little space in my head that I've been inhabiting and get my skin and my brain exposed to the outside world again. I need to feel some cold gusts, some hard rain or just dew, hot sun, shade, hot sand, water on my feet, cold water plunges in my undies, some night air, morning air, air in my lungs whooshing through my window, on my bike, stretch my muscles, sweat out everything, build up some things, get rid of some shit, make some shit.

I have been perpetually writing to-do lists- write some letters, bake some bread, stretch, find a good pencil and pen, figure everything out, write it down, write down my dreams.

The other night I set my alarm clock for 5:15am, enough time to get ready and be at work on time. Then I got myself into that in-between state and I dreamt that I needed to make a load of tuna sandwiches for the Shriner's convention that was happening at work. I re-set my alarm clock to 4:20am thinking that the extra hour would be enough time to make the sandwiches. When the alarm went off at 4:20 I awoke with a start- remembering the sandwiches sort of, having to go through what I know in my head, and decide whether the sandwiches were real or something that my mind made up. The Shriner's were definitely real. I eventually decided that I probably didn't need to make sandwiches and so I went back to sleep. It makes me wonder what else I do when I'm sort of sleeping. When my physical body is still working normally, dexterous enough to fiddle with an alarm clock, who knows what else.

Just finished 'Generation A' and in a strange way it has mirrored certain thoughts I've been having about technology lately. I don't want my future to get absorbed into something I don't understand. I don't have a complete phobia, but I know certain things for sure- I prefer wood to metal or plastic. I want to hear someone's voice straight from the source. I want to see words written down the way a hand holding a pen writes them down. I need to feel energy from organic matter. I don't even know what I'm saying, it's just a feeling.

Morning is going by, coffee is burning little holes in my belly, sun is shining so strongly onto my backyard, Winnie's paws are wet and dirty from digging, time is just time is right now and now and, now I am going to go back outside.

cloud lifting

Early morning pep talk to myself: I've been the biggest grump, walking around with a dark cloud over my head for what feels like forever. I need to give myself some advice, or learn how to take some good advice from outside of me. I can change my attitude. If the only thing I can control is how I am feeling, then I need to choose to feel differently, and lift this shade that seems to be blocking out all of the light that shines on the good things. Good things are everywhere, I am so unbelievably lucky and I know it. I need to start acting like it! Train my brain to start the day with some positive thinking. I think I forget that some things take a bit of focus, that it is useful to really concentrate and to visualize and to be present in my thinking. I can't expect change to happen on its own. I can't expect half of the things that I tend to expect. I am going to start making more of an effort.