If by now you are not dead and buried, you are most certifiably married, oh married

As much as it hurts to step out of the warm coccoon at 5:30am, I love being awake. And to think that it's not even noon and I have had what feels like a full day already, it's amazing.

The other night I dreamt about grocery shopping with Adina. We were thinking about making lunches, so we were getting a lot of really good cheeses and olives and the means to make baked goods. And then we walked by the seafood section and there was Robin Williams, chowing down on some mussels. After sucking the slimy little guys out of the shells, you could deposit the empties into this tubular garbage can, kind of like those 'butt-out' smoking stations. I put a whole one in my mouth and crunched down on it, almost breaking my teeth. Immediately I started spitting the debris into the can, slobbering the disgusting juices everywhere. It was awful. Robin thought I was really rude. I think the mussel had gone bad. It reminded me of being in China Beach Provincial Park this summer, finding a clam that was fully closed up and lying on the beach. Trying so hard to pry it open, only to have it burst out the putrid mess of liquified mussel, bright orange and hot gooey gross all over our hands. Do you remember that? We screamed and dropped it, ran to wash our hands in the trickle of a waterfall coming mysteriously out of the rock face. We collected a slew of shiny shells and also crab and crayfish legs. We left the little baggy on the picnic table while we hiked. We came back to catch a big black bird eating up the crab legs! We tried shooing him away but those tasty treats were toast. I had collected them to paint their portraits, but they were really stinky anyway- it's probably for the best. That was a nice day.

a nutshell of memory

"deaf and dumb, blind, and lame"

the roots of my family- you as a kid in north wales, your grand parents or maybe even great

you sleeping. these ones, I don't know who they were.

there is a lot of beauty everywhere. I miss you so much. That watermelon was full of vodka, eaten up and then sculpted.

there are some things that I hope I always remember. That canoe trip will be one of them, I'm sure of it. My eyes give me away. Just before that boat picked us up, Anastasia changed behind a tiny tree and the tour guide saw her in her undies.

we are spelling "Jewel" with our hands. we played with that chicken for so long that day. we were between museums. we were playing cards, I think.

we were reading the muppet book and making funny voices quietly in the corner. we were relaxing after working hard all day. we were spooning. we were just waiting for that giant balloon to burst.

that whole reel of film is on the floor! we were dancing. i was alone in London at my first Wilco concert. you drew that picture on my arm.

that's wales, it's always that beautiful. those are my cousins when they were young. they were six and nine, I think. I don't even know who these people are, but it struck me as such a strange photograph- such a white coloured room, snacking in a florida hotel room or something.

My sisters kids are now the same age as my sister and brother in that picture. that golden sunlight is the kind I am always craving.

this is my family before I was born. I think they stopped taking pictures after I came along.

that hike was all uphill, and then the view was so pretty. we made oatmeal chamomile face masks on that day that we robbed the southampton market blind. this was our party at encounters with canada, I thought I fell in love that week but I was only fifteen but I dunno.

my sister and I used to talk about wishing the other didn't exist, we were so mean to eachother. This is before that. Callie looks so much like Emma does in the picture. I can't picture my parents like this anymore.

people I wish I'd been able to know, places I wish I could go back to and have them be the same way.

sun on the rock, the ice on the river in southampton, a field with falling down house.

i want to go fishing. i want to go to the cottage. and go fishing off the lighthouse dock. there was always a dead fish on shore down there. and we only ever caught baby catfish.

the cottage again.

that doorway leads to the fountain of youth- how do I get there? That was my Taid's optician shop. I carry all my crappy sunglasses around in nice leather cases with "W.E. Davies" written on them in gold.

my dad and uncle bill, in the tub and then with bows and arrows. the princess cabin at snake lake, eight by twelve feet? and cozy cozy. I love it when two photographs blend together like these.

my old kitchen and all of the things that used to sit and hang in there. My taid, looking how he always looked and me wishing I could talk to him.

I want to mix up colours that look and feel like that, and them put them onto something that I can put somewhere to look at.

two trees with intertwining roots

How can you only eat fifteen almonds? When there's a bag of one hundred at least?

I've been thinking lately about some things:

That love poem that you painted on the side of your fridge in watercolour, that dribbled down with the sometimes condensation. That epitomizes your kind of love, where you have been together for 20 years and you still probably sleep close under your hand-made quilts. You share your coffee and conversation each morning about the things you dreamed of, or your hopes and fears about the day, or the past, or the future. You sit in handmade chairs, beautiful purple arbutis branches, coaxed into place with weathered carpenter's hands. You paint the view from your sailboat, built in the forties I think, and blowing out black diesel smoke. You go out on little vacations on every day off, packing healthy snacks and catching fish for dinner. You practice the fiddle in the evening, and listen to bluegrass music while you make dinner and set the small table on the deck. You drink wine from tiny little cups, not blue willow patterned but something similar.

I adore that, that's what I dream about. We talked about feeling boundless, a good word for a situation where nothing is planned or set in stone, and everything is wide open and new. If I can do anything, then what am I going to do?

p.s.

Ohhh and one reason that I hate having a cellphone is that I stare at it waiting for it to talk to me, and it gets to spend more time with me than most people I love. It's weird.

take me by the hand and tell me you would take me anywhere

Today I think I put myself into a really vulnerable place where I was forced to think about how I am and how stubborn I am. I have these insane expectations, I don't know where they begin or why they are there, but they are part of this lense I seem to hold up to everything. I wish I knew how to just let go of it and see things clearly and not see things as I think they are.

I drove back home this morning singing my heart out to Tegan and Sara, feeling defiant and trying not to let myself feel crappy about this. What the fuck, people are never what you expect them to be and I knowwwww it, I just don't believe it most of the time I guess. There are some very nice things about you I think. I guess that there are other things too.

All of my interactions with people today seemed different. I walked around a while with a young German man who had broken his leg in two places and was carrying himself around on crutches so gracefully. I carried his shoes to his rental car. He was going to pack up and drive himself away- soon to go back to Germany, his travels ending sooner than he had planned! He was so NICE. I don't know why.

I listened to a mixed cd from like 6 years ago while I was driving home, and I loved every song so much. I want to make mixed cds for everyone I know, want to amalgamate some feelings into a span of 52 minutes or whatever. I want to have a sing song. I need to have more people close to me, who I can sing with out loud some really good songs. I want a bonfire so badly. I am ready for winter to give me a break or else fade away starting now............

I'm an owl on the sill in the evening...

Yesterday I bought two new tiny batteries for my inherited pentax slr camera. It used to belong to my Dad when he was my age. I have been taking technically bad but visually interesting pictures with it for a few years, and my heart panged when I thought it had finally kicked the can. But it just needed some new batteries. The last time they were replaced was March 1993, according to the little slip of yellow cardboard that is stuck on the back of the camera. What a long life! This morning I took some pictures in my kitchen. A couple were of my mum as she hurried with her cereal, still in her nightie and her hair wet from washing with no time to blow-dry. She sort of scowled at me, but I just know it's going to be a good picture. I took another one of Winnie sitting on the black and white checkerboard floor, anxious for something to drop. Another out the window, capturing the array of jars and creamers in which strange artifacts sit- a single maraca with a painted mouse face, brought back from Cuba for Callie to shake. A pair of wirey old reading glasses, twist-ties, nails, and a big round magnifying glass. The lens of the magnifying glass showed the snow covered trees upside-down, and the sky behind these things was grey with a soft-pink at the horizon, the rising sun's light hanging on a bit before the day became gray. My Dad shakes his head at me, telling me he finds film so expensive to just snap a lot of pictures. I don't think I care though, I'd rather have a picture to look at later.

I Am Goodbye

A lovely morning at the pre-school where they are learning about teeth. None of them have ever heard of dental floss, and most of them are convinced that donuts are not bad for your you, or pop. I'm not sure I'll ever be much of a teacher. I just love hanging out with them.

The sun is struggling to peek out through this grey cover. I have been dreaming about Newfoundland (in the summertime), the painted houses on hills, the way the air must smell and feel. I want to go! I don't know yet what the summer has in store, but I'm going to spend some quality time outside and make up for this winter of partial hibernation.

I don't know how to post a video, but if I did I would post 'I Am Goodbye' by Bonnie "Prince" Billy, because it's one of those really good ones. I could fall in love with someone like Bonnie "Prince" Billy. He's not much of a looker but he's got insane powers. He has permanent hold of a major heart string of mine, and it's tugging!!

This week has been difficult. It's hard to know what to do with some feelings, when the world has lost a beautiful young soul and there is no reason, and no way to explain or understand it. There aren't any words that do anything at all in a situation like this. I don't know how to finish this thought, only to say goodbye Steph and I hope you are peaceful. I wish you didn't have to go so soon.

It's nice to have a lazy afternoon with nothing in store but whatever I feel like. I need to write some letters. I need to just start! I am going to go do it.

This is the link: www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxQuH910xc4

If it doesn't work, it's because I don't know how to work technology. Sorry! : )